Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it

Can people be “born bad”? October 5, 2007

Filed under: Kids,Life — Steph @ 10:25 am

Before I even start this post I have to tell you I am totally procrastinating.  I have no idea why, my house is a mess and I am really avoiding it all!  I know Terra will tell you my house is never truly a mess and I’m just a perfectionist but it truly is…  So while you are reading this you are totally contributing to my procrastination!  😉

 My question is, can people be born bad?  Up until a few years ago I would have said absolutely not!  I would have said people may be born with certain tendencies but it’s their choices and circumstances that make them who they are.  Now I’m not so sure…

My neighbor of 7 years this month, (well she’s more than a neighbor now, she’s a friend) is a really good lady.  She’s kind, caring, and loving.  Her sons are a total mess.  Not just one of them, BOTH of them have just traveled a bad road.  In the 7 years we’ve been here they’ve been in jail more than they’ve been out.  One served a 7 year prison term for a felony, he’s only been out of prison for about 5 years. 

Their biological father was a dangerous man, he was abusive, an alcoholic, a drug addict, etc…  it would appear both boys followed his path.  When the youngest boy was 2 my neighbor left her husband.  She took the boys and started over.  The court cut off all contact with him for the protection of the boys.  These boys are both adults now, one is 32 and one is 29. 

From the time they were young they showed tendencies toward a dangerous lifestyle.  The oldest started stealing at about age 6 and just went from there.  The youngest has had problems with anger since he was old enough to express it.  Their mother thought love and stability could change the path they were apparently on.  She re-married a very nice man and gave them a stable home with a stay-at-home mother she took them to church every Sunday and ran the house with a firm but loving hand.  It didn’t help…

Things have really come to a head in the last year, both boys have been in and out of jail repeatedly in that time.  The oldest most recently slapped his step son hard enough to knock him off of a chair and leave a significant mark on his face.  He was charged with child endangerment and abuse.  While he was awaiting his trial for that he just couldn’t keep his nose clean.  Next thing we know he’s being arrested by state troopers with guns drawn for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.  Apparently he and a friend got drunk and got in to a fight, a samurai sword (no I’m not making this up) was pulled out and the friend was stabbed through the foot, they had to remove the sword from the floor to remove it from his foot.

 At this point the oldest boy has absolutely no remorse for anything, he admits no wrong doing, he pleads not-guilty to every charge they’ve ever thrown at him and he has absolutely no culpability.  He’s still sitting in jail on the last charge.  It’s a felony count and his bond is rightfully very high.  His mom won’t go to court.  She just can’t take any more.  She has tried and tried and TRIED to help him.  She’s had him committed to treatment facilities, taken him to counseling, you name it.  This has been truly a life long problem for him.  Her sister goes to court and sits in, she speaks to the lawyers, and she reports back to my friend so my friend doesn’t have to be there.  The whole time he’s been in jail he makes daily calls to his mother, not to apologize, check on her, check on his son, or wish her well.  He makes calls demanding things.  “Bring me this”… “get this out of the garage and sell it for the lawyer”, etc…  she’s living at the pawn shop lately selling his belongings, belongings she’s having to stumble over to walk around her house because he decided to move them out of the house he shared with his step son’s mother and in to my friend’s house so the girlfriend couldn’t have them.  He’s a classic case of “it’s not my fault it’s everyone else’s and everyone owes me something”.

As if that’s not enough, in the middle of all of this the younger son is released from jail AGAIN.  It’s about the 20th time he’s been in and out of jail in the time I’ve known them.  After the last arrest she told him he can NOT move home.  He begged and pleaded, he promised to be good, keep his nose clean, etc…  How can she deny her son?  If he goes somewhere else he’ll end up back in jail, etc…  she told me he can’t come back, she meant it…

He’s been out of jail for exactly three weeks.  In that time he got his girlfriend pregnant and was served with papers asking him to provide DNA as there’s a 3 month old baby that’s probably his from an “after bar party”.  <sigh>

Aside from all of that he appears to have a serious addiction to prescription pain pills.  He seriously injured his back 8 years ago and he’s had a series of injuries ever since.  Personally I think he does it on purpose to get the pills.  Last week it was a “sprained ankle” a visit a day to the ER and finally he’s managed to “score” Oxycontin for pain since the lesser drugs won’t work.  He has a “high tolerance for the lesser drugs”.  So, after popping pain pills what does he do?  He goes out drinking with friends.  At 3 AM Wednesday morning he comes home from the bar and decides to assault his pregnant girlfriend.  When his mom stepped in he turned on her.  By the time my dogs woke me up at 3:15 there were blood curdling screams coming from the house.  I don’t mind telling you I was absolutely terrified for them.  He’s gotten violent with his mother before and it took 2 adult males to subdue him.  This time the women and a 3 year old girl were alone in the house.  As I dialed the police my hand was shaking so badly I couldn’t hold the phone still.  I don’t mind telling you I was really torn between helping my friend and putting myself right smack dab in the middle of a bad situation.  The worst part is, I was so scared I couldn’t remember her house number.  I gave their last name and the dispatcher says “oh sh**”  NO KIDDING!!  She says “which one is it”.  I say “well one is locked up so it’s the other one”.  She says they’ll be here as fast as they possibly can. 

That was the LONGEST 8 minutes of my LIFE, I didn’t dare run across the street and give him another victim!!  At one point the house got quiet.  I was terrified the police would come, it would be silent and they wouldn’t be able to get in the house.  I was afraid they were dead.  Honest to God he is that dangerous.  The police pulled up and it was still silent, they walked up on the house and it started again, they didn’t even hesitate before breaking down the door.

 The scene inside was horrific.  He had his mom down on the ground and he’d ripped her robe and nightgown off when she tried to get away from him, she was naked with his hands around her throat and her lips were starting to turn blue.  The police said another 5 minutes and he’d have killed her this time.  I’m not exaggerating when I say there’s not a single part of her that’s not bruised or bloodied. 

 It took both police men and a taser to subdue him.  He was so out of it the taser only put him down for about 2 minutes, it was only long enough for them to throw him in their car.  By the time they slammed the door he was coming around and beating his head on the window.  On the way to the jail he was apparently trying to kick out the windows of the police car and at the jail he wasn’t anymore cooperative.

So now we find out we’ve all been threatened for putting him in jail.  My doors are locked, Joe is gone, it’s just the kids and I.  My brother and mom are trying to get us to go stay with them.  We can’t live in fear.  There’s a restraining order and the police are on alert.  They are doing hourly drive-by’s after he gets out of jail.  Right now he’s staying there.  No one is bonding him out, NO ONE.  But he does have friends who may get the money together, I’ve learned that’s the way it works with these kids.

So now that you have a slice of the back story, that brings me to my question?  What is wrong with these boys??  As I sat up with their mother until 6 AM listening to her sob, watching her shake so violently she couldn’t hold a glass of water, and listening to her say alternately “he’s not EVER coming back here” and “what is wrong with them?”  I am left asking the same thing.

Is it a case of “bad blood”?  Did they get it from their dad?  Is it in their genes?  Or is it a case of her not getting out in time?  Did she stay too long with their dad giving him the option to influence the adults they would become even after surrounding them with love once they left?

I think she means it when she says that’s the last straw this time.  Through her swollen shut eye she is firm in her resolve.  She loves them but they are going to kill her one day, she HAS to get away.  They have children, she HAS to get the children away from them, she HAS to.  If she doesn’t there will be another generation of this.  The youngest grand child already shows violent tendencies.  He’s 2 1/2.  The oldest a girl Joey’s age cries all of the time. 

Prison hasn’t helped them, it made them more violent.  Treatment centers haven’t worked.  They only work if the person wants the help.  Both boys have been diagnosed with “schizophrenic effective bi-polar disorder” (if I remember correctly the wording).  They won’t take the meds.  They’re charming and manipulative, the can work a treatment program and be out in a month.

So, I ask you… what is wrong with them?  If you can tell me then I can tell my friend, because right now none of us know and we’re all scared and she’s blaming herself which I absolutely can’t stand…

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5 Responses to “Can people be “born bad”?”

  1. Terra Says:

    I know with the traumatic things you have been through, as well as their poor mother this isn’t what you are thinking at all… They aren’t bad, either one of them. If they have bipolar and are schizo as well they need medication, and won’t be able to control themselves without it. Nancy Preuit is an awesome councilor in Gillette. She might be of assistance. If your friend has any insurance, Nancy would most likely be able to find a code to put her under. While it might seem like this is all about those children, she needs helps too…

  2. Nicole Says:

    Do not dismiss bad parenting.

  3. bella Says:

    Bad parenting is not only beating and abusing your kids, it’s also being too lenient with them. Perhaps your friend feels so bad for the way they are that she tries to compensate for it by being overly indulgent. I’d be dammed if I was going to the pawn shop to get him money if that’s the only reason he was calling for and then demanded it. I don’t think so! Figure it out yourself! She probably tried to make up for the missing father by letting them get away with murder. There is absolutely no way you can not control a 6 year old! If you can’t do that then why do you expect any difference when they are older??? You have to establish respect early on or you will never have it. It’s almost too late by the time they are 5 years old. My 5 year old knows that if start counting to three about something he’s not listening to me about, that if I get to three, he will get popped if he does not stop. And that is all it takes. People now a days are so against hitting but you know, I’d rather pop him every once in a while now, than have him beating me in 30 years. So no, people are not born bad, and sorry to say but your friend, made them that way by being to easy with them.

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