Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it

Not feeling “well” October 15, 2008

Filed under: Fire,Life — Steph @ 3:04 pm

Those of you with chronic depression will probably understand this post, those who don’t…

I just feel lousy and I think it’s emotional.  I thought I was getting better, I’m not crying over everything anymore and I am not so angry and helpless feeling.  But the past week or so I just feel worse than ever.  I am exhausted all of the time, I could sleep for 12 hours and still feel exhausted.  I am angry with life in general and I just feel like I could cry at odd times.  I am not having the nightmares I was having but only because I take Clonopin to keep them away.  If I try to wean myself off of the Clonopin I have nightmares.

How can you have nightmares about a scene you didn’t witness?  How can an odor set off a complete breakdown?

Did I mention the headaches?  I have horrible headaches to go along with my exhaustion.  I go to bed at 7 PM, it’s all I can do to make sure the kids are fed, clothed and cared for.  Anything else is beyond the scope of my physical and emotional limitations at this point.

I don’t understand why I’m still so sad all of the time, so tired, so just physically not feeling well.

I don’t know if it’s the uncertainty in where we will end up in a few months, if it’s Joe’s lack of work still (they haven’t started him yet and we haven’t heard a word from them), if it’s not understanding how this fire happened, not having anything that belongs to me surrounding me, I just don’t know.

All I know is I feel sad and miserable all of the time and I wish it would stop.


7 Responses to “Not feeling “well””

  1. I guess you ARE down! You have had an unbelievable amount of nonsense to deal with. Give yourself a break…..and consider Xanax. It is my new BEST friend.

    I have overwhelming anxiety….and then the guilt sets in…..*sigh*

    Hope you get some good news soon!

    I just KNOW you deserve it!

    Sending you happy thoughts….albeit medically induced happy thoughts….but whatever! 🙂

  2. abunslife Says:

    I haven’t been commenting much….because um yeah I haven’t been through ANYTHING and I am pretty much feeling the exact same way….time to up my vitamin Z. Hang in there and please talk to someone…..

  3. Steph Says:

    Clonopin is basically baby Xanax, supposed to be less addictive, but I am wondering if my taking less of them is what is causing my feeling so lousy the last week.

    I think I am going to find a professional to talk to. I have these crazy feelings of anger and sadness directed at SO many people… I am just not sure how to deal with any of them and I think a majority of them are completely off the wall and I think I just NEED someone to be pissed at for everything we’ve been dealing with.

  4. Terra Says:

    I know exactly how you feel… Exactly where you are coming from, and I really wish I could fix it for you…

  5. Liz (Gefallen) Says:

    I know exactly what you are talking about. I suffer from it too. It is completely understandable. You have been through one hell of an ordeal and this is going to take time. Try not to be impatient with yourself. I found that therapy helped me immensely. I am not a fan of telling someone they have to go but you may want to consider it. The support is invaluable, especially at a time like this.

    I am thinking of you.

  6. Nicole Says:

    This is so typical of trauma. I hate to minimize it because this is a huge deal, but you have been through a lot. This rocked your world to the core. You were uprooted, suffered huge loss.. need I say more.

    How about seeking out some help. Therapy works. It may help you to sort through some of what you are feeling.

    I am so sorry this path is a hard one. I wish you all the best.

  7. Terra Says:

    I miss you, and hope you are doing OK…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s