So I know you are all thinking “we go months with no posts from her and now she won’t STFU” but in all honesty I am bored silly and the only other option is cleaning my absolutely disgutstingly filthy house (and no there are no pictures forthcoming because someone would so call Child Protective Services if they saw what’s in my kitchen sink a foot from the dishwasher). So in honor of my insane procrastination some random thoughts running through my head right now:
1. Why can’t Disney channel make new episodes of their shows? Honestly, how many times do we need to see the same episode of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”?? Just because the world’s 8-year-old’s don’t mind watching the same episodes a million and ten times (and that’s not an exaggeration) couldn’t you take some kind of pity on the parents who are forced to sit in the same room??
2. WHY is it that in my every day life I have a mouth that will put a sailor to shame and I can’t bring myself to write a dirty word on my blog?? I can cuss around my mom, my dad, etc… (and vice versa btw, it’s not in a disrespectful way we are just a cussing family and wow that sounds bad!) but I can’t liberate myself enough to drop the “F-Bomb” on my little slice of cyberspace? I think it’s one of my other odd quirks that has to do with needing everyone to love me, even complete strangers. What the fuck is wrong with me? (HA! I did it, no hate mail please you’ll make me cry!!)
3. Have you ever just wanted to reach out and touch a total stranger? I so have that with some of the writers of blogs I read. They are absolutely amazing! They write and people aren’t bored? I so want to be like a total teenager and say “dude you so totally rock can I touch you just once?!”. Then I know they would totally look at me like “I knew you were a freaking nut job just from reading your blog so I’ll be quietly releasing you from my leg now and gracefully walking away and tomorrow you’ll be on my blog as the freak I ran in to in the grocery store who totally went nuts on me”.
4. I have seen a lot of posts about toilets and public toilets and toilet neuroses this week. This is awesome to me because I have such a million neuroses about public toilets. And not just one, but there are a zillion reasons the damn things just make me want to harf. I truly feel like I need to take a bath in Clorox when I just think about entering a public toilet. Most of this comes from Tyra Banks so thank you to her for that, I never watch talk shows but one day she had a show about germs and I literally had to throw out half of my house after that!
5. I also have grocery store neuroses, Wal-Mart neuroses, restaurant neuroses, etc… it all centers around how gross humanity truly is. I mean seriously, I live in a filthy house but it’s OK because the filth is created by my kids and my family. When I am in the grocery store and the woman in front of me has a toddler with green snot oozing from her nose and she’s letting her touch the vegetables, WTF?? Am I really that crazy to just be totally revolted by this?! If this was me I would have not gone to the grocery store that day or I would have taken tissues and anti-bacterial wipes and kept Elizabeth’s green snot away from the general public. It’s called courtesy people and not just courtesy but common sense!?
6. On the subject of toilets and neuroses I was just reading another blog that asked for neuroses. I was so relieved to see one commenter has to check the toilet before sitting down so a snake doesn’t bite her on the ass. I so LOVED that because I do the same thing, but not because of snakes, I do it because of spiders. I also poor bleach down the tub drain and sink drain before I will go near them because spiders are the creepiest little bastards and they like dark, damp areas. This equals toilets, tubs, sinks, and bathrooms people?! UGH!! I get that they kill bugs, I do and I am about sick of the flies right now so I am almost marginally thankful for the spiders outside trapping one of the billion flies in my yard. But not thankful enough to want the creepy little things in my house, in my bathroom, or anywhere near my toilet?!
7. My husband has a thing for shiny things. The problem is shiny things of good quality are expensive and he has what my mom likes to call “champagne taste on a beer budget”. His answer to this problem? Home Depot! So he goes to Home Depot and buys shiny things for the bathroom, kitchen, etc… We’re talking a shiny chrome over the toilet shelving unit, a shiny chrome shower curtain, a toilet seat with some kind of medal and wood on it that doesn’t match any of the previously mentioned shiny things. One problem with this. Know what happens to cheap knock off shiny things when exposed to water? Yup you guessed it, they rust! So now my bathroom is rust and chrome, all except the toilet seat which when exposed to water, chemicals, and urine (hello boys in the house) turns guess what color? GREEN! OMFG!! Know what I’m doing when I stop procrastinating? Changing the toilet seat out for a plain old white one! Know what my next purchase at Wal-Mart will be?? (and this is because I have to brave the germs to get birthday party supplies btw) Plastic shower curtain rods, shower curtain clips, and over the toilet shelving unit. I can’t take it anymore. It’s absolutely disgusting!!
Now that you are all so illuminated and thinking “if this is what runs through her head she is completely bat shit crazy and I really hope we don’t bump in to each other at the grocery store because I would hate for her to hump my leg in public” (it’s OK I know you’re thinking it). I am off to tear apart the bathroom!